Note: This is something that I wrote on my blog: http://nandinip.blogspot.in/ on june 16, 2016
Thought some might want to read it on this platform.
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Strange title ! Isn't it? I wanted to share some notes/observations that I made in last two odd years, since the time I took up a new title of a 'mother' and this is part I.

What am I supposed to feel? This was the first predominant question I had on the operation table, a moment after my daughter was born. The reason to share this story is, there might be micro-minority of new mothers who go through similar situation and I want to tell them that they are not alone and it is fine if you have the same question. Just take a step back and give yourself some time.

I faced an unfortunate peculiar situation. Having lost my father early on in life, I was raised by my mother and she put in tremendous amount of effort in it. My father-in-law in a way was a father figure for me. Over years we built on our relationship and he was super-excited when he heard that I was expecting. He even came up with some nicknames. :)
Just 13 days before my daughter, Awantee was born, I learnt that he was no more. It was unbelievable. He was an intelligent, witty and a logical man - member of a rare species ! And he was really healthy ! I just could not come to the terms with the situation. I had to try really hard to control myself.

Couple of things I had to think about - how to avoid stress, so that I don't go in emergency delivery? - I had no answer. I thought immersing myself in work will help. Second was, how was I suppose to appear when I talk to my husband? - I decided to sound practical. I thought it will balance the tone. Both the decisions were not so right ! Immersing myself in work when I could have delivered anytime was really not a good decision. I should have vented out in some manner... a mild manner.

I still did undergo an emergency c-section and that too when the 13th day rituals were going on for my late father-in-law in another city. It was just my mother who was with me in the hospital. The moment my daughter was born, I was happy for us and sorry for the situation we were in. For some strange reason, I also felt guilty. I was overwhelmed and I just sobbed a whole lot. My gynac was really sweet. She just held my hand and said, 'It's a girl ! A beautiful girl !' She had a bright smile on her face. I could hear Awantee loud and clear.
This whole mixed up set of feelings persisted for a year. I didn't feel that I can be evidently happy. Of course, we had moments of great joy, but it could have been definitely better. It takes a toll on a whole lot of things if you don't have clarity. I am sure, my father-in-law wanted me to be very happy. It was a self inflicted inhibition, which was not needed. Probably, it would have helped a lot, if I had taken a step back, given myself some time and talked openly.

Well, lesson learnt. :)